Letting Go

I realize now that perhaps one of the hardest things about the human condition is letting go of inflated conceptions of possibilities in order to just be who we are. Among the more condescending or elitist of us, it might be called “Accepting Mediocrity.” Among everybody else, let’s just call it “Accepting the Way Things Are.” Maybe it’s a radical idea. Maybe it’s no more and no less than what ancient philosophies and religions have been saying all along.

This thought has come from a strange experience out here in Oakland and Berkeley, California. I’ve been working with Michael Zeligs, who I grew up with in Boulder, trying to make videos and websites for clients, while also trying to kickstart his music career (one that began with the handicap of a vision requiring either that he go big or go home). Talking with him about his ideas of what could be and where he would like to go, I see clearly how I sit in much the same boat as him, except with regards to writing: we both feel drawn to our arts because we’ve always (ever since we were little kids) felt like we had some imperative to share a sort of message or vision, we both have seriously difficult times editing the work we’ve already created, and neither of us has seen a fraction of the success we always thought we would have enjoyed by the age of 24/25 (James, I’ve got my eye on you too on this count).

Talking with Michael about how that feels, and much more importantly, why it all seemed so important in the first place, I feel I’ve opened an interesting door into how some of this stuff works (and how I’ve personally changed in the last few years). I no longer have any illusions about “someday making it big.” Last week I published an op-ed article in the Daily Camera for which I was paid exactly nothing, and somehow I’m satisfied with that. It wasn’t the greatest article of all time (it was even referred to as “less than sophomoric” by one critic). It wasn’t a lot of things, but at the same time, it was a few significant things:

1. It was the best I could do at this point in my writing/thinking abilities (which may either be a sad thing or an encouraging thing, depending on your view of the article)
2. It was the most carefully edited piece I’ve put out into the world in a long time, which is a good sign for someone who never takes the time to edit (incidentally, I’m reading through this blog entry right now, editing it)
3. I voiced an opinion that was read by many, which was by no means original or even remotely unique, but it provided another voice in support of the worldview that I happen to endorse
4. After a long time of not writing, I wrote it, which means that I’m writing, which makes me happy


For the first time in recent memory, I feel completely OK being who I am and doing what I’m doing. This is radical for me. Usually I spend so much time focusing on what I’m not doing or who I have not yet become (and getting seriously down about it), that to do otherwise is refreshing in a way I can’t even begin to describe.

Who am I? I am a 24 year old male with certain talents who enjoys exercising them with limited success rates. I feel stronger than ever. Right now, at least, I simply don’t care where I’m going or what I’m doing, so long as I’m approaching it sincerely, with my eyes open. I’m engaging with my immediate circumstances and I’m letting every interaction be a test of my character. The world doesn’t give a shit about your rhetoric, all it cares about is your behavior and for the most part, all it really cares about is your most recent action. On that front, I’m happy. I’m doing well. I’ve brought my spirit and my mind to the circumstances I’ve found myself in and in a few specific cases, I’ve shined in ways that have genuinely surprised me. I feel great about that.

What do I want out of life? To empower myself in order to empower other. How am I going about that? Learning and exercising in order to be mentally and physically stronger. What will I do with that newfound strength? To paraphrase Maughm, I imagine if I ever get strong enough, I’ll have the necessary strength to know what to do with it. In the meantime, like I said at the end of the last paragraph, I’m feeling really great.