To You, Anyway - April 30

Nevermind because it’s so damn simple, but you see I have to say it to you anyway, I have to say it to you anyway because if I don’t, I have no choice but to remain silent, which in itself is not a bad thing, but if that turns out to be the case, then I’m just sitting here alone, naked, with all of my imperfections caught in the moonlight and you looking into the mirror, putting on your lipstick, talking over your shoulder to me about your schedule for the day, and me listening for the subtext, looking too deeply, I say too deeply because masks aren’t meant to be deep, they’re meant to be diverting, and there are reasons why people feel the need to divert this or that, and I notice it in you, something obscene like a lie to a child, meant to be malicious, so I look away, out the window, and I see the rare flick of rain slide across the pane, keeping the light soft and concealing like liquor after everywhere’s closed and you have nowhere else to go, so you go into someone for the sake of the feeling, with your eyes closed and words that are either hilarious or kept to yourself, but I can’t blame you can I, I can’t blame you because I’m guilty too, and so are they, and this being human with the space between, and the ache in that spot just beneath the sternum for it all to melt, to release, and those people with signs that say Free Hugs no longer being novelties, but real feeling people with families and joys, talents that bring joy to others, like singing, which brings them so much joy, performing knowing it’s making someone else happy, it’s making someone else feel good in the heart, it’s bringing tears to their eyes, and they don’t know what else to say but hallelujah, and it’s like a prayer, more than a prayer because it’s a reference to a feeling in both the head and the heart, but also to memories and connections, dreams – or should I say plans – for the future and that supreme feeling of interconnectedness to the world and the magnetic energy field that seems to marionette the branches of the trees and the birds as they take off in unison and when two strangers on the street lock eyes in simultaneity and they don’t look away and from eyes something spreads to smiles and they don’t turn away and that something spreads to feet and they walk closer and can’t say anything because there’s nothing to be said, nothing to be communicated, it’s all held in the gaze, walking straight through the doorway to the soul, and maybe eventually one makes so bold of a move as to say ‘hey’ but that would just be for the sake of formality and formalities are never to be taken seriously beyond the gesture as a showing of respect, and maybe that’s what seems to be lacking as you slowly put your lipstick on in the mirror, and it might be the only thing I really have to say, but I might as well not say it because maybe to you it would come off as harsh, or antagonizing, or worse yet, needy, vulnerable, insecure, and maybe, if that were to happen, you would turn from the mirror and look at me, condescendingly, and maybe even laugh at me, which I thought I couldn’t take here, naked in the moonlight, but maybe that’s not the case, maybe I can take it, maybe I welcome it, maybe that’s the special sauce right there, maybe that’s the heart of the matter and I need you here, now, I need you to look down on me, I need you to be better than me, I need you to belittle me for me to cease to be little, for me to be better than that, and even if I don’t quite know what That is, I can, for the first time, feel it in my bones, and feel it in my bloodstream, and feel it in the magnetic field that plays the marionette and makes me sit here, naked and invulnerable, grinning and glowing, with my heart rising, with my heart flying, with my heart as one with the rain on the window and with my heart as one with your lipstick, even as you rub it across your lips, and with my heart as one with your mirror, and as you look into your mirror, as you look into my heart, you finally see me, you finally see exactly who I am...that is to say, you finally see yourself.